The LOVE we want VS the love we get. Don't do what I did.

My parent didn't know how to express their emotions of love to me. However they did know how to express their love to me in material ways, Mom by taking care of all of my physical needs; food, clothing, a clean house, etc.. Dad could only display his love for me by giving me money.  He had a hard time accepting my words of 'I love you' and if I attempted to hug him, he reacted to me like I had barbed wire wrapped around my body.

The love I got was money and things. I didn't appreciate the things as much as the money because money allowed me to buy and do the things I loved which was a bit closer to the love I wanted but never got. The love I wanted was to experience a really strong emotional connection with another person that supported me in being me. To me that was real love, the only love that mattered to me. From my point of view, it didn't matter the form of love people gave me, if I couldn't feel their love for me, then their love wasn't real for me.

I knew my Dad loved me but it wasn't the love I wanted so I rejected his love, something I should have never done. That all changed once I had the love I wanted from a woman who loves me the way I need to be loved. 

Now that I have the love I want, I realize that I will never have the love I once had, that I rejected, the love my father gave me, every time he gave me money.

Dear Dad, 

I am so sorry that I did not appreciate the love you lavished upon me when you were here with me. I rejected your love because it wasn't the form of  love I wanted. 

I always thought you were giving me money to manipulate and control me, not love me.  Only now since you have passed on do I realized the money you gave me was the only way you could love me. Miss and love you Dad. 

Rest in peace, 


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