- Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
- I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt
- Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.. - Mark Twain
- The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns
- Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
- By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
- My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
- I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
- My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield
- Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP - Joe Namath
- And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.
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