What is it you think that you do not fully express that causes you worry, upset, anxiety, agitation, anger or fear ? What is eating at you? What is under your skin that you are afraid to express for fear of criticism or being punished in some way.
Express it here, your are safe.
In the comment section ANONYMOUSLY fully express yourself until you feel a bit better, a little lighter and brighter. 😊
I suppress my greatest fear and I keep suppressing it over and over again because I am ashamed to express it.
ReplyDeleteMy greatest fear is that no one will ever recognize or appreciate, in the form of dollars and cents, how hard I work to make other people suffer less. I feel like, somehow, I repel the recognition and money I want and when I think that particular thought guilt in massive quantities washes over me inside and out and makes me feel weak, powerless and ineffective. The guilt makes me feel less than the person I think I am.
I don't like that feeling one bit and I know suppressing it all these years has made the pain worse. I have suppressed it because who could possible understand, who could possibly care? I have tried to express my deepest feeling of inadequacy to people close to me but one understands what I am trying to express and as a result I always end up feeling worse for trying to express myself in the first place.
I must admit I am very angry and frustrated that I am not receiving the recognition and money I think I deserve. The problem is, I don't know how to change myself to get the money and recognition I want. That's all I have to express for now. It helps, I feel some relief from my pain I will be back later to express more.
WELL, I am Back. It doesn't appear anyone else is taking up your offer to fully express themselves but I will because I felt relief that first time I expressed myself here. It is very important to me that no one who knows me ever knows what a inadequate, weak, and pathetic person I often times think I am. Funny thing is, it is only around money as if money determines my self-worth.
ReplyDeleteIn my marriage it did. I got beat up and severely criticized for everything I did with money from earning it to spending it. The criticism was ongoing. That woman beat me into the ground when it came to money matters. I can't tell you how many times she shamed and embarassed me around money until my stomach hurt so bad that I wanted to puke my guts up. It's as if somehow she discovered my achilles heel, my most vulnerable spot and use my vulnerability to control in a very negative way.
In my mind I have forgiven her years ago for making my life a living hell around money but I don't think I ever fully expressed to myself (or anyone else for that matter) how badly she hurt me and how devastated I was by her constant criticism of my handling money. I adored that woman. How could I let her repeatedly criticize and hurt me? I gues I thought when you loved someone you had to allow them to shit all over you. It took me many years to realize I wasn't loving her as much I was abusing myself by being in the relationship with her.
I finally got out of that relationship, years ago, but the emotional wounds are still there. I buried them deeply and thanks to your blog, I finally feel safe in expressing the unexpressable.
That's all for now.... feeling more relief... I will be back to express more of myself later.
Finally a place where I can express myself without fear of revealing myself or having other people judge me for being the way I am..
ReplyDeleteI am angry all the time. I feel as if I am stuck with anger. I was brought up that anger was bad, bad,bad. As a result I have spent my whole life trying not to be angry when what I have been really doing is DENYING my anger. I have to tell you denied anger hurts like hell.. I want to express my anger and release it but I really don't know how to do that. Somehow I became so good at locking my anger away in my solar plexus that I am now stuck with it..... I am terrified of my anger. Anger kills people. I don't feel like I would do that to anyone but suppressing it, I fear ny anger might kill me. It certainly can't be good for my body. I don't want to do that any more. I want to let it go, let it go. How the hell do you let go of strong emotional stuff like anger? I feel like writing about it is a waste of time. I guess I feel shame and embarrassment writing about it.. I can't write any more about it right now.. I will come back later and write more when I can..
What kind of music do you like?
DeleteAny kind of music I can feel or I should say moves me. I like John Phillip Sousa Marching Music. I like Patriotic music. Why do you ask?
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